Universal Loving Kindness/Integral Wellness Assessment

The universal loving kindness exercise felt like a wonderfully calming liberation from selectivity since it emphasizes universal love. When cultivating this feeling of universal of love, it liberates us from determining whom we can trust, or allow to become close to us. All are deserving of love, even those who might be considered evil. The entirety of creation, when seen as a whole, is like a rainbow, with each individual a color.

In doing the integral assessment, I identified a number of areas I can develop in order to continue to pursue my goal of flourishing, but one in particular stands out.

My main source of difficulty and suffering, causing me a lot of stress, anxiety and unhappiness, is that my career - in corporate sales - is very much at odds with my values. Daily, I feel I have sacrificed my integrity for money, and I have to make decisions based on competition rather than cooperation, and making money rather than giving. It's an odd thing because I never cared about the pursuit of money, but I "somehow" found myself in this career. This in itself warrants examination, because there is no such thing as "happening to find oneself" in a given situation. We must take responsibility for our choices and understand the role they have played.

Thinking deeply about the issue, I can see that, although my values have always been about the pursuit of truth, beauty and goodness - my greatest dream is to write books that bring joy, inspiration, and a feeling of wonder to others - I made my career choices not intentionally, and not based on this positive desire, but rather in reaction to a negative. When I was a small child, my parents divorced after a violent and toxic marriage. My father told my mother if she went through with the divorce he would "see her in the gutter", and his words proved prophetic. We became homeless, were eventually housed in the projects (in England) and lived in extreme poverty growing up.

Although my conscious values were not about the pursuit of money, I can see now that the shame and degradation I felt about being homeless as a child unconsciously made me feel excessively unhappy if I did not have "enough" money. I did not pursue the career I wanted as a writer, therefore, because I was afraid I would not be able to support myself and my son. This was showing a lack of faith that following the right choice would result in the universe opening up possibilities to allow me to take care of my son.

I can now see that, having acknowledged this truth, I must trust that when I follow my heart and passion to pursue a writing career, I will find a way to make it work. I must also understand that I am no longer the powerless child I once was, and making a choice to sacrifice money to do what is right for me will not result in the "calamity" I once experienced.

Making a choice to let go of a career that does not nourish me, and in contrast, makes me feel like a fraud (since the job conflicts with my personal values), to embrace instead the creative career I have always wanted makes me feel a bubbling sense of anticipation, and the excitement of impending liberation. I can see that, if I had the space in my life created by the calmness, happiness, and sense of ease I would experience if my work was in accordance with values, I would have so much more to give to others.

This was really an epiphany for me and I'm so excited and validated to continue my journey towards a more fulfilling career, as I make the transition to the next phase of my life and finish my final term of school.